Author Topic: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:  (Read 9137 times)

280plus

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 19,131
  • Ever get that sinking feeling?
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« on: October 17, 2005, 06:08:52 AM »
1. She is not a  BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
 
2. She is not a  SCREAMER or MOANER.  She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
 
3. She is not  EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
 
4. She is not DUMB - She is a  DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
 
5. She has not BEEN AROUND  - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
 
6. She is not an AIRHEAD -  She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
 
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She  gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
 
8. She does not have BREAST  IMPLANTS.  She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
 
9. She does not NAG YOU -  She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
 
10. She is not a SLUT - She is  SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
 
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -  She is PECTORALLY  SUPERIOR.

12. She is not a TWO-BIT  WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
 
AND FOR THE LADIES... Cheesy

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He  has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD  DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
           
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES  ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.  
                 
5. He  is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN!  DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a  TOTAL ass - He develops a case of  RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.  
                 
8. He  is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
     
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT  - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
             
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.  
                 
11.  It's not his crack you see hanging out of the back of his  
pants....It is MALE CLEAVAGE
Avoid cliches like the plague!

Guest

  • Guest
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2005, 06:44:08 AM »
This thread is gonna be good...you wait and see. Smiley

I dunno, life was simpler before PC and Acronyms.

Gubmint didn't seem to meddle so much, and folks just didn't give a hoot about "sensitivities", maybe Flouride in the water got folks thin skinned.

PC also makes me think Personal Computers> Microsoft>Windows. More I get into this 'puter stuff, and required to use of MS the more I hate Windows, and the two letters-"PC".

Nope back when, Folks were just dumb as a brick and uglier than sin. Not gender specific, stereotype, or anything- just a fact of life was all...

280plus

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 19,131
  • Ever get that sinking feeling?
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2005, 07:04:24 AM »
I just hope evrybody sees it as the joke it's supposed to be and takes no offense. shocked

Cheesy
Avoid cliches like the plague!

Guest

  • Guest
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2005, 07:37:41 AM »
I'm sure everyone will take this thread in the spirit of fun.

Still waiting for Barbara to post tho' .  Cheesy

280plus

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 19,131
  • Ever get that sinking feeling?
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2005, 07:49:54 AM »
Quote
Still waiting for Barbara to post tho'
I'll be hiding under my bed, let me know when it's over!

Cheesy
Avoid cliches like the plague!

Guest

  • Guest
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2005, 08:10:33 AM »
Boogey Man is under that bed -you'd best come out now.

Barbara - I founded him for you....Cheesy

280plus

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 19,131
  • Ever get that sinking feeling?
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2005, 08:16:20 AM »
LOL...Thanks! You're such a big help! shocked
Avoid cliches like the plague!

matis

  • friend
  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 391
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2005, 08:17:46 AM »
quote:sm               Still waiting for Barbara to post tho'
_____________________________________________________________



Quote: 280plus
I'll be hiding under my bed, let me know when it's over!
______________________________________________________




OK!  OK!


Now I really mean business!


SOMEBODY is gonna HAVE TO re-imburse me!


For my Fruit-of-the-Looms.


(you made me p/ss up the old pair!)


matis
Si vis pacem; para bellum.

grampster

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 9,435
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #8 on: October 17, 2005, 09:41:44 AM »
I, personally, am waiting for the bloodshed.  This is gonna be good.
"Never wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."  G.B. Shaw

Brad Johnson

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 18,030
  • Witty, charming, handsome, and completely insane.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #9 on: October 17, 2005, 11:39:32 AM »
Tinfoil hat *ON*

Flameproof underwear *ON*

Lime jello *O.. oh, uh... wrong forum

Brad
It's all about the pancakes, people.
"And he thought cops wouldn't chase... a STOLEN DONUT TRUCK???? That would be like Willie Nelson ignoring a pickup full of weed."
-HankB

280plus

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 19,131
  • Ever get that sinking feeling?
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #10 on: October 17, 2005, 11:52:11 AM »
Maybe if you guys quit bumping it it'll fall off the board before she gets back!!

DOH!! Now I bumped it. shocked

Frantically searching for old flame proof undies...They MUST be around here somewhere Cheesy
Avoid cliches like the plague!

telewinz

  • friend
  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 285
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #11 on: October 17, 2005, 12:14:07 PM »
I always use the term "they" and on occasion "them".  When I want something (and only then) I use "Hey beautiful".
Career Corrections

grampster

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 9,435
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2005, 12:50:16 PM »
Bump
"Never wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."  G.B. Shaw

The Rabbi

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4,435
  • "Ahh, Jeez. Not this sh*t again!"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2005, 12:56:47 PM »
"Never trust anything that can bleed for 5 days without dying."
-Ancient Chinese Proverb.
Fight state-sponsored Islamic terrorism: Bomb France now!

Vote Libertarian: It Not Like It Matters Anyway.

Monkeyleg

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 14,589
  • Tattaglia is a pimp.
    • http://www.gunshopfinder.com
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2005, 01:46:33 PM »
The Rabbi: Cheesy Cheesy Cheesy

Guest

  • Guest
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2005, 02:15:33 PM »
Youse guys crack me up. Smiley

(ps. Those were really, really lame. You're going to have to do better than that.)

Guest

  • Guest
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #16 on: October 17, 2005, 02:25:29 PM »
You know how I hate generalizations, but since you all tried so hard, I'll cave and post this because until I manage to personally revamp our whole culture, well, somethings just are this way:

Quote
Women Speak in Estrogen - Men Listen in Testosterone
Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Grocies:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

grampster

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 9,435
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #17 on: October 17, 2005, 02:30:20 PM »
Told ya there was gonna be blood.  cheesy  Tongue

And she never took a breathe, either.  heh.
"Never wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."  G.B. Shaw

Guest

  • Guest
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #18 on: October 17, 2005, 02:32:48 PM »
Don't you need to go scratch or somethin'?

Cheesy

grampster

  • friend
  • Senior Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 9,435
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #19 on: October 17, 2005, 02:36:07 PM »
You are imlying that I have stopped?
"Never wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."  G.B. Shaw

Guest

  • Guest
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #20 on: October 17, 2005, 02:45:54 PM »
I was merely suggesting that you should use two hands.

telewinz

  • friend
  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 285
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #21 on: October 17, 2005, 02:48:55 PM »
Barb, EXCELLENT!  I guess you were must have been/be married and/or had a hundred older brothers.  I have a wife, a twin sister and a 17 year old daughter.  I know women pretty well....enough to keep my distance.
Career Corrections

Winston Smith

  • friends
  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 498
  • Cheaper than a locksmith
    • My Photography
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #22 on: October 17, 2005, 02:51:25 PM »
Well, I've got autoscroll.
Jack
APS #22
I'm eighteen years old. I know everything and I'm invincible.
Right?

MaterDei

  • friend
  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 206
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #23 on: October 17, 2005, 02:52:58 PM »
Quote from: Barbara
I was merely suggesting that you should use two hands.
But then he couldn't type.

Oh, I get it.  Yes, good plan.  Use two hands grampster.

Guest

  • Guest
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
« Reply #24 on: October 17, 2005, 02:57:21 PM »
Hehehe..