Light relief - again

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P95Carry:
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY y'all.  Just swinging by - and haven't checked for other St Patrick's day posts.  But - this lil' selection in an email from my son got the chuckle monkey goin'.  Daresay you have seen some or all but hey - some may not.  Some good ones IMO ... Bless the Irish!

*******************************************************

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives!"

*******************************************************

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.  Airport and wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee asked him if he
was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.  He says, "Sir, have you been
drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!  He's done it again!"

***********************************************

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as
well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

*************************************

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says
here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be
145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

***************************************************

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just
sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."

***************************************************

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away
last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'


*************************************************
An Irishman moved into a tiny village in county Kerry, walks into the pub
and promptly orders three beers.  The bartender raises his eyebrows, but
serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.  An
hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens several times.  Soon the entire town is whispering about the
"man who orders three beers."

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the
town.  " I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you
always order three beers?"   "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies.  "You
see, I have two brothers and one went to America, the other to Australia.
We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers
whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon
the "man who orders three beers" became a local celebrity and source of
pride in the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to
watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.  The bartender
pours them with a heavy heart.  This continues for the rest of the evening
he orders only two beers at a time.  The word flies around town.  Prayers
are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.  The next day, the
bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first, are sorry for the
death of your brother .. You know, the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies.  "You'll be happy to hear
that my two brothers are alive and well.  It's just that I, meself, have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Nightfall:
LOL, funny stuff. Especially the "Miles, from Dublin" one.

JAlexander:
St. Paddy's is almost over, but I'm still posting this joke.  Enjoy.

James

>One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
>years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly
>not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out
>the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
>Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
>Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
>drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
>The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
>"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
>"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
>With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left
>sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
>He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said
>the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
>"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?"
>asked the blonde.
>Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
>Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket
>there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
>He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!"
>stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
>At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
>her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
>asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
>With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet
>Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

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