Author Topic: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")  (Read 2508 times)

Brad Johnson

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Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« on: September 27, 2017, 06:11:27 PM »
Dear Job Applicant,

When applying for a position at a university museum, certain things will ensure you are not granted an interview. If you are unsure which things these may be, please refer to the following list:


  -Writing your cover letter in all capitals.

  -Writing your cover letter in all lower-case.

  -Writing your cover letter in text-speak.

  -Not writing a cover letter when "Cover Letter Required" is clearly stated in the job application requirements.

  -Misspelling the word "museum".

  -Misspelling the word "university".

  -Misspelling the word "spelling".

  -Including the phrase "I was supposed to be a guard but all they wanted me to do was stand around and watch people."

  -Including the phrase "I want to get a job for money to live on while I find another job." (Honest, yes. But very, very dumb.)

  -Putting "I don't understand the question" in the Describe your personal strengths field.

  -Leaving a 12 year gap in your early job history but going on to list 8 jobs you've had in the last five years.

  -Applying from out of town and bluntly stating you are only willing to relocate for a management position. (The position is for a security guard.)

  -Saying you're only available 20 hours a week for a full time position, but asking if you get benefits anyway.

  -Filling every field in the application with "N/A".

  ...and...

  -Claiming to still be employed with a particular company when it's well-known that you were terminated for embezzlement. (A week of news stories about your indictment are kinda hard to miss.)


I expect a fair number of idiots when we post a position. This time, however, seemed to draw a group of particularly talented entries.

Brad
It's all about the pancakes, people.
"And he thought cops wouldn't chase... a STOLEN DONUT TRUCK???? That would be like Willie Nelson ignoring a pickup full of weed."
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just Warren

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2017, 06:14:08 PM »
I wanna work at ur mooseeum as a gruad!
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Jim147

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2017, 06:15:42 PM »
Do I get full auto weapons and a flashlight big enough to bash someone's skull in with?
Sometimes we carry more weight then we owe.
And sometimes goes on and on and on.

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French G.

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #3 on: September 27, 2017, 06:24:47 PM »
I will require a charging station for my electric tactical response vehicle.
AKA Navy Joe   

I'm so contrarian that I didn't respond to the thread.

Brad Johnson

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2017, 07:06:49 PM »
If any of y'all know someone in the west Texas area who want a pretty cushy gig, have them apply. It doesn't pay all that great and the hours can be a little odd when we get weeks with a bunch of events but it's all indoors and has good bennies that include retirement and fully funded health insurance.

Brad
It's all about the pancakes, people.
"And he thought cops wouldn't chase... a STOLEN DONUT TRUCK???? That would be like Willie Nelson ignoring a pickup full of weed."
-HankB

just Warren

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2017, 07:21:14 PM »
West Texas? West Texas!?

Sir, I'll have you know that my father's family are from the Panhandle, the very best part of Texas and no descendant of a Panhandle-man will have any truck with no West Texas nonsense!
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AmbulanceDriver

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2017, 07:41:43 PM »
I will require a charging station for my electric tactical response vehicle.

Don't forget rolls of duct tape for the stacked trauma plates.
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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2017, 08:13:01 PM »
Some folks used to pile up "job contacts" just to meet the requirements for unemployment benefits.  They had no intention of actually taking a job and would torpedo any possibility of actually getting one.

MillCreek

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2017, 12:10:28 AM »
Quote
-Leaving a 12 year gap in your early job history but going on to list 8 jobs you've had in the last five years.

The first thing I would think is that the guy was in prison.
_____________
Regards,
MillCreek
Snohomish County, WA  USA


Quote from: Angel Eyes on August 09, 2018, 01:56:15 AM
You are one lousy risk manager.

Brad Johnson

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #9 on: May 29, 2018, 09:40:39 AM »
Thread necro because I just got this gem (direct cut-&-paste from the application):

Quote
we did customer service make suree everytin was stocked clean the whole storewe clean the pumps take out trashs front to back of the building we order truck stock the vault stock lids to food to ails the store stock up ciggeretts count inventory and see how much more we need to ortder on truck days we count the safe at the end of the night we count down are register we dsrop all large bills through the day u go on the computer to put the amount ur register came out to be it tells u if ur good or u were short for that day or night we print it out with the lattery numbers on our paper and u sighn it and put it in the pbook and the manigers will look at ur stuff in the morning when they get to work

The remainder of text fields were equally bad. Out of four entry fields there were exactly two uses of punctuation, both egregiously incorrect. Use of capital letters? Nope. Not a single one.

I understand and am sympathetic to people who don't have the best spelling and grammar skills, but at least try. That's the kind of drive and attitude I can appreciate. They might lack knowledge or training but still have the personal gumption and character to make a credible effort. This? No. This is an extra large cup of "don't give a crap" wrapped in a drive-by application filled with fail. Zero regard for anything resembling care, concern, or personal pride.

Brad
« Last Edit: May 29, 2018, 09:53:58 AM by Brad Johnson »
It's all about the pancakes, people.
"And he thought cops wouldn't chase... a STOLEN DONUT TRUCK???? That would be like Willie Nelson ignoring a pickup full of weed."
-HankB

Ben

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2018, 09:59:45 AM »
Not that it matters, because even an apprentice janitor or gardener (or third grader) should have 1000% better ability to present themselves, but what kind of job was the application for?

On a side note, "texting English" seems to really be making detrimental inroads into most forms of communication. Too, I suppose at some point "U" will replace "you" much like "you" replaced "thee", "thy" and "thou".
"I'm a foolish old man that has been drawn into a wild goose chase by a harpy in trousers and a nincompoop."

Brad Johnson

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2018, 10:07:38 AM »
Not that it matters, because even an apprentice janitor or gardener (or third grader) should have 1000% better ability to present themselves, but what kind of job was the application for?


Visitor and Security Associate (fancy name for "guard").

Our expectations are very modest in terms of skills and training. However, we do expect applicants to exhibit some reasonable ability to communicate both verbally and in writing. Common mistakes are not an issue, even when extensive, if the applicant gives the appearance of at least trying.

Brad
It's all about the pancakes, people.
"And he thought cops wouldn't chase... a STOLEN DONUT TRUCK???? That would be like Willie Nelson ignoring a pickup full of weed."
-HankB

Kingcreek

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2018, 10:55:00 AM »
Just a thought... Sometimes the people that are applying don't want a job. I.e. They are told that applying for work (not necessarily getting work) is a necessary part of some continuing entitlement payment.
I once had a woman drop off an application letter while I happened to be standing at the front desk. She was wearing dirty sweat pants, a T shirt with holes in it, and she walked into the reception area with a smoldering cigarette. I told her that the building was no smoking. She said she didn't care. She didn't want a job anyway. She was just applying because the state agency said she had to if she wanted to keep getting benefits (as in payment for not working and having babies).
What we have here is failure to communicate.

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2018, 11:12:20 AM »
Just a thought... Sometimes the people that are applying don't want a job. I.e. They are told that applying for work (not necessarily getting work) is a necessary part of some continuing entitlement payment.
I once had a woman drop off an application letter while I happened to be standing at the front desk. She was wearing dirty sweat pants, a T shirt with holes in it, and she walked into the reception area with a smoldering cigarette. I told her that the building was no smoking. She said she didn't care. She didn't want a job anyway. She was just applying because the state agency said she had to if she wanted to keep getting benefits (as in payment for not working and having babies).

I mentioned that back in Reply # 7:

Some folks used to pile up "job contacts" just to meet the requirements for unemployment benefits.  They had no intention of actually taking a job and would torpedo any possibility of actually getting one.

But nobody ever reads my stuff anyhow.  :'( <snif>

The quote in Reply # 9 probably counts as a "Job Contact" for unemployment bennies.

Terry, 230RN

MechAg94

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2018, 11:39:10 AM »
.....but some of us do appreciate the additional anecdote.   =D

I am not sure what sort of job application you are looking for with a security guard.  I guess if they are a full employee, you have to selective regardless. 

Once you actually hire someone, maybe you can let us know what the condition of that person's resume is.  Just curious what you end up with.  Surely there are college graduates from Austin who are in need of jobs.   =D
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Ben

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #15 on: May 29, 2018, 11:59:41 AM »
Just a thought... Sometimes the people that are applying don't want a job. I.e. They are told that applying for work (not necessarily getting work) is a necessary part of some continuing entitlement payment.

Very good point. I hadn't considered that.
"I'm a foolish old man that has been drawn into a wild goose chase by a harpy in trousers and a nincompoop."

Hawkmoon

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #16 on: May 29, 2018, 12:29:46 PM »

I understand and am sympathetic to people who don't have the best spelling and grammar skills, but at least try. That's the kind of drive and attitude I can appreciate. They might lack knowledge or training but still have the personal gumption and character to make a credible effort. This? No. This is an extra large cup of "don't give a crap" wrapped in a drive-by application filled with fail. Zero regard for anything resembling care, concern, or personal pride.


Don't be so judgmental. The reality is, it probably took him five hours to write that "paragraph." If you were to meet this individual in person, I suspect you would quickly see that this was, for him, a truly stellar effort.
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230RN

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #17 on: May 29, 2018, 12:49:50 PM »
Very good point. I hadn't considered that.

 =D

freakazoid

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #18 on: May 29, 2018, 08:03:33 PM »
Not that it matters, because even an apprentice janitor or gardener (or third grader) should have 1000% better ability to present themselves, but what kind of job was the application for?

On a side note, "texting English" seems to really be making detrimental inroads into most forms of communication. Too, I suppose at some point "U" will replace "you" much like "you" replaced "thee", "thy" and "thou".

You did this on purpose didn't you? :lol:
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KD5NRH

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #19 on: May 29, 2018, 11:56:39 PM »
Some folks used to pile up "job contacts" just to meet the requirements for unemployment benefits.  They had no intention of actually taking a job and would torpedo any possibility of actually getting one.

In theory, TWC now follows up with some percentage of claimed contacts in an attempt to catch that.  I don't know if there's a way to report it outside of that, but you could contact your local office.  http://twc.state.tx.us

AFAIK, only blatant attempts were actionable, like putting a minimum starting salary of $150k/yr for a fast food job, applying for a position that clearly requires an advanced degree when they don't even have a GED or claiming to only be available Thursdays between 0130 and 0600, but strong indications of outright idiocy would get them strongly recommended for some of the remedial toe-counting classes TWC offers.

KD5NRH

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #20 on: May 29, 2018, 11:58:04 PM »
Don't be so judgmental. The reality is, it probably took him five hours to write that "paragraph." If you were to meet this individual in person, I suspect you would quickly see that this was, for him, a truly stellar effort.

More depressingly, you'd see that he's reasonably representative of high school graduates these days.

K Frame

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #21 on: May 30, 2018, 07:32:24 AM »
Thread necro because I just got this gem (direct cut-&-paste from the application):

The remainder of text fields were equally bad. Out of four entry fields there were exactly two uses of punctuation, both egregiously incorrect. Use of capital letters? Nope. Not a single one.

I understand and am sympathetic to people who don't have the best spelling and grammar skills, but at least try. That's the kind of drive and attitude I can appreciate. They might lack knowledge or training but still have the personal gumption and character to make a credible effort. This? No. This is an extra large cup of "don't give a crap" wrapped in a drive-by application filled with fail. Zero regard for anything resembling care, concern, or personal pride.

Brad


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slugcatcher

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #22 on: May 30, 2018, 08:46:08 AM »

I understand and am sympathetic to people who don't have the best spelling and grammar skills, but at least try. That's the kind of drive and attitude I can appreciate. They might lack knowledge or training but still have the personal gumption and character to make a credible effort. This? No. This is an extra large cup of "don't give a crap" wrapped in a drive-by application filled with fail. Zero regard for anything resembling care, concern, or personal pride.

Brad

I heard three or our security guards discussing the proper usage of "swelt" or "swolt" when one of them used it in a sentence.  Your rejects are finding employment on the east side of the state.

Ben

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #23 on: May 30, 2018, 08:58:33 AM »
You did this on purpose didn't you? :lol:

 =D
"I'm a foolish old man that has been drawn into a wild goose chase by a harpy in trousers and a nincompoop."

KD5NRH

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Re: Job Application Hints (AKA "How not to be interviewed.")
« Reply #24 on: May 30, 2018, 04:36:13 PM »
I am not sure what sort of job application you are looking for with a security guard.  I guess if they are a full employee, you have to selective regardless.

And whether they're DPS/PSB licensed as security guards, as well as who actually holds the security company license.  I suppose they could be slipped past the state private security requirements if they're primarily considered customer service, but if any regular job function is access control beyond ticket-taking, your liability insurance carrier isn't going to like that.

How far west is this?  I'm still not fond of the idea of being more than a few minutes away from my kids due to the custody/visitation issues, but I do have five years experience in private security and three years as a part time local history museum docent, so decent pay and/or benefits could be worth revisiting a sternly worded letter demanding that the ex either hold exactly to the visitation order or provide an acceptable alternative that she will hold to.  (And then, of course, arranging to have the court issue a new order for the alternative and documenting the hell out of any deviation on her part.)