Author Topic: Bad joke thread..  (Read 5469 times)

Guest

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Bad joke thread..
« on: June 26, 2005, 04:01:57 PM »
Have at it..let's hear some groaners.

How Long Must This Go On?

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it.

When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Guest

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2005, 04:59:47 PM »
Ha! What's scary is, I actually get that!

garyk/nm

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #2 on: June 26, 2005, 07:03:28 PM »
Renee Descartes was out for dinner one evening. He enjoyed a nice burgundy with his meal and after a full bottle the serving wench asked if he would like another. "I think not" replied Renee.
 And poof! he was gone.

Werewolf

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2005, 05:27:42 AM »
Quote
"I think not" replied Renee. And poof! he was gone.
Hah! Took a moment but I finally got it. DUH!
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love
truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

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mhdishere

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« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2005, 06:34:24 AM »
A mushroom walks into a bar.  The bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here".  The mushroom replies "Why not?  I'm a fun guy."

I tell that one to my wife EVERY TIME we have something with mushrooms.  She just rolls her eyes.

Sean Smith

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2005, 07:25:45 AM »
Slightly risqué perhaps... my favorite bad joke.

Why are women bad at math?

Because they've been told for years that this (hold finger and thumb tiny distance apart)... is nine inches.

Alternate version: wiggle your pinkie.

Winston Smith

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2005, 07:30:31 AM »
Two atoms were hanging out one day, and one looked really sad. "What's wrong?" one said to the other. "Oh, I'm sad because I lost an electron." the second replied. "Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."
Jack
APS #22
I'm eighteen years old. I know everything and I'm invincible.
Right?

Nathaniel Firethorn

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« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2005, 07:45:53 AM »
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Barkeep does a double-take and says, "What can I get you?" Frog says, "Got anything that can get this wart off my bum?"

- NF
Give up no state. Give up no ground.

http://www.njcsd.org

client32

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2005, 08:18:04 AM »
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ba-dum ching
Admit nothing, deny everything, make counter-accusations - APS homepage 3/4/05 - 5/20/05

Never ask a man where he is from. If he is from Texas he will tell you. If he isn't there's no need to embarass him.

Brrlgrrl

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2005, 08:33:40 AM »
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

BrokenPaw

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« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2005, 09:14:39 AM »
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
.
.
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One of them was a salted.

-BP
Seek out wisdom in books, rare manuscripts, and cryptic poems if you will, but seek it also in simple stones and fragile herbs and in the cries of wild birds. Listen to the song of the wind and the roar of water if you would discover magic, for it is here that the old secrets are still preserved.

Azrael256

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« Reply #11 on: June 27, 2005, 12:22:59 PM »
I've been telling this one for about two decades.  I don't get it, but my grandparents think it's the funniest thing they've ever heard.

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

wmenorr67

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #12 on: June 27, 2005, 12:26:30 PM »
If you want to see a bad joke see thread about fireworks on the 4th.
There are five things, above all else, that make life worth living: a good relationship with God, a good woman, good health, good friends, and a good cigar.

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.  One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

Bacon is the candy bar of meats!

Only the dead have seen the end of war!

Werewolf

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #13 on: June 27, 2005, 01:34:05 PM »
An Army private and a Navy Seaman are in a head taking a leak.

The army guy finishes first and walks over to the sink to wash his hands.

The Navy guy finishes and starts to walk out when the Army guy stops him.

Hey - aren't you gonna wash yur hands? In the Army we are taught to always wash our hands.

The Navy guy responds:

YEAH - well in the Navy we're taught not to piss on our selves when we take a leak...
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love
truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.

Fight Me Online

BryanP

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« Reply #14 on: June 27, 2005, 02:43:45 PM »
A baby seal walks into a club.




There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.  I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.  

My wife loves that last one.
"Inaccurately attributed quotes are the bane of the internet" - Abraham Lincoln

DJJ

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« Reply #15 on: June 27, 2005, 02:47:41 PM »
Q: What do you call four Mexicans in a leaky boat?

A: Cuatro sinko.

Lee

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« Reply #16 on: June 27, 2005, 04:31:02 PM »
What's the hardest thing about roller-blading?




Telling your father that your gay.

Fly320s

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« Reply #17 on: June 27, 2005, 06:09:37 PM »
A woman walks into her kitchen and sees her husband stalking around with a fly-swatter.

She asks, "What are you doing?"

He replies, "Hunting flies.  I've killed 3 males and 2 females."

Baffled, she asks, "How do you tell if they are male or female."

The husband replies, "Easy... the 3 males were in a beer bottle and the 2 females were on the phone."
Islamic sex dolls.  Do they blow themselves up?

enfield

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #18 on: June 27, 2005, 06:54:19 PM »
When I was a kid I had a dog that didn't have a nose.

HOW DID HE SMELL???

Terrible.
- enfield

Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

J.J.

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« Reply #19 on: June 27, 2005, 07:31:20 PM »
Quote from: Azrael256
I've been telling this one for about two decades.  I don't get it, but my grandparents think it's the funniest thing they've ever heard.

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.
I love that one! You get it or you don't..... I have noticed that when I tell it.

J.J.

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« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2005, 07:33:47 PM »
Three elephants fall off a cliff -

 Two of them hit the ground.  One falls into a river

Ba-Da-Boom Ching....

grampster

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #21 on: June 28, 2005, 03:43:32 AM »
Horse walks into the bar.  Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Three legged dog walks into the bar.  Bartender says, "How can I help you?"  Dog says, "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."
"Never wrestle with a pig.  You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it."  G.B. Shaw

erik the bold

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« Reply #22 on: June 28, 2005, 05:25:29 AM »
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog,Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as ! she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike

----------------------------------------------------------

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

"Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

---------------------------------------------------------

 A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Anthony Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Anthony Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
-
-
-
-
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just couldn't resist.........
"Belief" is the acceptance of a hypothesis in the absence of data.
"Prejudice" is having an opinion not supported by the preponderance of the data.
"Knowledge" is only found through the accumulation and analysis of data.
The plural of anecdote is not "data"

NOTICE: Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR

yesterdaysyouth

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #23 on: June 28, 2005, 05:52:16 AM »
Just ask your buddy....

"have you got tickets yet?"

"tickets to what?"

flex your biceps and say...

"the gun show"

Guest

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Bad joke thread..
« Reply #24 on: June 28, 2005, 07:49:51 AM »
Why are black basketball players so tall?

 Because their knee grows.