Bad joke thread..

[BryanP]

A visiting minister during the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his
upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but, at that moment, one very obedient little
girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her
mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy,
WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...

[Antibubba]

A priest and a rabbi in a small town were old friends, but they were always jibing each other on religious matters.

One summer day at a town social, the priest was eating a piece of ham.  "Rabbi", he said, "this piece of ham is absolutely delicious!  Mrs. Hemdall made it, and her honey-glazed ham always wins prizes at the state fair.  It's really silly that something this delicious is outlawed by your religion."  He smiled and said, "When are you going to have some?"

The rabbi smiled and said, "I'll have a piece at your wedding reception".

[Guest]

A Kansas Farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and
knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the
farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked
politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly
Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa
about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa
charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[Nathaniel Firethorn]

In the vein of frog jokes:

A frog, a duck, and a skunk were bragging about how much money they had. So which one had the bragging rights?





















Well, the duck had a bill...


















And the frog had a green back...


















But the skunk only had a scent. And it was a bad one!


- NF

[grampster]

A priest, a rabbi and a preacher walked into the bar.  The bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"

[SMLE]

Didja hear the one about the dyslexic who walked into a bra and ordered a double?

A seal walks into a bar and the bartender says; "What'll ya have?" and the seal says; "Anything but a Canadian Club."

Two blondes are standing on opposites banks of a river. One yells to the other; "How do I get to the other side?" To which the other replies; "DUH! You're already ON the other side!"

One day, Pierre the famous French fighter pilot is having a picnic lunch with a lovely young lady on the banks of the Seine. As things get warmer, the young lady says; "Kiss me Pierre!" So Pierre grabs some red wine from the picnic basket and pours some on her lips. "What are you doing!?" she asks. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot and when I have red meat, I have red wine." They kiss for a while and she then says "Oh Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre opens her blouse and then pulls out a bottle of white wine and pours some on her breasts. "What are you doing?" He replies, "I am Pierree the fighter pilot, when I have white meat, I have white wine!" He then procedes to kiss her breasts. She then moans; "Oh Peirre, kise me LOWER!" So Pierre lifts her skirt, pulls off her panties, grabs a bottle of brandy, pours some on her crotch and then strikes a match to it. The young lady leaps into the river to put out the fire. As she climbs out, she demands; "Are you crazy? What did you do that for?" To which he replies; "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in FLAMES!"

[Strings]

*GROAN*

That was bad on SO many levels...

[mhdishere]

How about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed awake all night pondering the existence of his dog?

Dyslexics of the world UNTIE!

[Strings]

I've got a couple...





 Sarah Brady






Chuck Schumer






Ted Kennedy






SCOTUS






Diane Feinstein






Oh... you wanted FUNNY bad jokes...

[Nathaniel Firethorn]

Warning, tasteless... Art's grandma might want to avoid. Decoder here.

How do you make a cat go woof?

Fbnx vg va tnfbyvar na yvtug n zngpu. JBBS!

How do you make a dog go meow?

Serrmr vg va yvdhvq avgebtra naq chg vg guebhtu n onaqfnj. ZRRRRRRRBBBBBBJJJJ!

[K Frame]

Cogito ergo Palomino.

I don't know what it means, but it is a clear case of putting Descarte before the horse.

[K Frame]

A penguin takes his snowmobile to the shop because it's not running right. The shop guy tells him it's going to be a while, so the penguin decides to go to the diner and get some ice cream.

Well, Mr. Penguin isn't exactly the neatest eater, and he ends up getting Ice cream all overhimself.

He walks back into the garage and asks the mechanic what's wrong with his snowmobile.

The mechanic glances up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin yells "IT'S JUST VANILLA ICE CREAM!"

[BobCat]

Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.  Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."  The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.  A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo - of handcuffs.

Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."  There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.  He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.  She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

[BobCat]

Ok, can't resist, one more:



 The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.  In the piece,
 there's a long passage -- about 20 minutes -- during which the bass violinists
 have nothing to do.  Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some
 bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a
 quick one.  After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists
 are prone to do), one of them looked at her watch.  "Hey! We need to get
 back!" she said.  No need to panic," said another bass player.  "I thought we
 might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's
 score together with a string.  It'll take her a few minutes to get it untangled."

 A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their
 places in the orchestra.  About this time, a member of the audience noticed the
 conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.  "Well, of
 course," said her companion.  "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the
 score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

[SalukiFan]

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow?

It's making headlines all over.