Wedding speeches, help a poor guy out

[BillBlank]

I am the groom on this occaision. What on earth do  I say, bar the thanks for coming and toast my lovely wife you drunken sots?

Would I be correct in presuming that putting a bucket in the back of the room and telling that they can make their cheques payable to me would be considered bad form(I'm bloody paying for it)?

[Sean Smith]

I am the groom on this occaision. What on earth do  I say, bar the thanks for coming and toast my lovely wife you drunken sots?

Would I be correct in presuming that putting a bucket in the back of the room and telling that they can make their cheques payable to me would be considered bad form(I'm bloody paying for it)?

Yeah, I think that would be a bad idea.  Pissed off, cheap and smart-assed are probably NOT what you want to convey.  

My main advice would be to keep it simple, and don't try to come up with some wonderful stuff that is totally out of character for you.  Your advantage is that everyone wants to get on with the party, so nobody will get mad if you don't talk long enough.  Weddings are mainly for the bride anyway (as far as the "big event" aspect of it goes), you are probably just going to be acting as a prop on the wedding day anyway.  

[jamz]

When I got amrried, my wife and I just raised a glass to those that raised us, and that was pretty much it.

But our wedding was pretty atypical.  Google "toasts" there's bound to ba  a bunch of things out there.




Love, James

[Wedge]

At my wedding my wife and I didn't say anything.  The best man did all the speaking.  I am going to be best man at a friends wedding so I will be giving a toast to the bride and groom.  I plan to start off by making everyone laugh at their expense and then finish up with something really sappy.  Hopefully it will come out okay.

If you as the groom are going to give a speech I would keep it simple.

[Guest]

I can only offer a few thing to not talk about.

Any ex's of either person.

Any past inebriations of either.

Any failings of either.

Any jokes at either's expense.

Any "living together" stories.

Any negative stories of any relatives of either person.

Anything having to do with sex.

Anything else you will regret having said when it is later thrown in your face during an argument.

[BillBlank]

Ah sean, swiftly cutting to the point as always lol. Must not allow bitterness and annoyance to show, even though we're paying for two ceremonies and parties (one in Cuba and one over here) because of her relatives, mutter, mutter.  As a proportion of my yearly income the first person that calls it or me cheap wouldl get a tweak on the schnozzle, if I was a baboon with no sensitivities towards my partners feelings. Will memorise the don't list thanks Mercedes.  May even just get the best man to do it all, without powerpoint I'm lost in front of a crowd.

[JAlexander]

Probably the safest thing to do is thank everyone for coming, thank your bride's parents for having such a lovely (intelligent, funny, discerning, et cetera) daughter, and finally thank your bride for lowering her standards enough to marry you and tell her that you love her more than (whatever) and always will.  
Not that marrying you necessarily required lowering her standards. Me, I married up.  
Adjust the humor/sappiness levels to suit your audience.

James

[Gus Dddysgrl]

If you want money out of it: put a cute table with a bunch of bottles on it labels for the honeymoon.  Each bottle/jar should be for something different(ie: hotel, food, transportation, and fun.)  Or if you have her bridesmaids kidnapp the bride and ransom her for $300.  Then have the groom try to get money from people there.  We ended up with more than $300 and spent it on our expenses while on our honeymoon.  

Otherwise keep it simple.  Sappy is good at a wedding.

Gus

[BillBlank]

No, No, No, I don't want money. Good lord no. I was joking and having a moan thats all:).
I could kidnap the ugly sisters and auction two options though. How much to return them and, auction two, how much to make them disappear.

[Preacherman]

Well, if you have any naval guests, bear in mind that there's a time-honored tradition of sending telegrams to the groom containing scatological jokes dressed up in navalese.  One of my favorites:

Your attention is drawn to Book Of Regulations BR(416), "Precautions Before Opening Unventilated Compartments".

 

[charby]

I had to give a speech last weekend for my pledge son who got married. I don't know if I could help you out, but I mentioned a flying squirrell and people that unaware of the flying squirrell were laughing about it.

note: Flying Squirrell is not the rodent that glides from trees to tree but something a member of my fraternity did when he was three sheets to the wind.

Charby

[Guest]

My first marriage, I did the BIG Wedding, Tux, and the whole nine yards.  I married my shooting partner's daughter....he tried to warn me.

Groom's cake had a shotgun and Ducks on it.  Most folks knew I was a shotgunner, a shooter. Those that didn't soon found out.

Speech time:  I tossed the Orange Sugar cookie to my FIL "Pull-it" I said. FIL said "DUSTED" as he caught the cookie. That got everyone's attention.

I simply thanked all in attendence, appreciated the gifts and well wishes. I stepped aside and My FIL ( still eating the cookie) Finished the Speech. Short and sweet about how he and competed, his daughter's accomplishments, then he said - enough of this - Let's eat!  The room of folks laughed, they just "knew" something funny was going to happen. We had that kind of reputation.  The orange cookie to represent a clay target - had them in stitches.

The wife knew nothing of 'our plans' . She was smiling and laughing...

Now we had promised to NOT shove cake into each other's face. There is 'that' moment - milliseconds of hesitation, wonder and apprehension, the room was dead quiet, arms intertwined, cake in hand...

From the crowd  I hear " $100 bucks if you do it"  - another " I'll see your $100 and raise you $200."  

Wife asks " you talking to me or him" - her green eyes were dollar signs by this time, and she was serious.

Rich , miserly Grandma " Not at my Grandaughter's Wedding you won't $400 if you don't" . Her Uncle ( whom I liked) " to heck with Grandma $500 if you do."

" I piped up " Do I hear a Thousand?" - That was the first time she as my wife stepped on my foot - I distinctly remember .

No we did not shove the cake. I was given $500 from the Uncle. He was going to give that amount anyway.  

We counted money at the hotel. I had been given $2k, she another $1k.


We had paid for our own Wedding and honeymoon. About $11k all total.

[Chris]

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple, Stupid!

Thank everyone for coming.  Thank everyone for sharing the special day.  Commment on how beautiful the bride is.  A tasteful, simple joke is fine.  Keep it plain and no one will remember anything but that it was nice.  Screw it up with a dirty joke or something, and you'll be remembered infamously forever.

On the cake shoving, we passed.  We didn't want to cheapen the moment, and it has become far to expected.  

Good luck.

Chris

[Stickjockey]

I, too, agree with the K.I.S.S. method. That and the shoving the cake in each other's faces thing was funny at one time, but has become so cliche' it's not even remotely funny, and not classy at all.