Author Topic: Taking daughter on date speech  (Read 14150 times)

.Cheese.

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Taking daughter on date speech
« on: May 23, 2009, 07:27:20 PM »
I remember coming across this really funny thread on THR a year or 2 ago (maybe more) that dealt with some funny speech regarding taking a guy's daughter on a date.  It was really funny.  I can't find it though.

Ryan in Maine

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Rovi

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2009, 08:43:11 PM »
It's not 'The Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter' you're thinking of, is it?

There are a few versions of it floating around the Interwebs, here's an example:
http://www.websitement-tm.com/Darwin/Content/rules_for_dating_my_daughter.htm
Quote
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Some thoughtful information for those who ARE daughters, WERE daughters, HAVE daughters, INTEND TO HAVE daughters, or INTEND TO DATE a daughter.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on his subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my Daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

RevDisk

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2009, 03:08:53 AM »

Of all the women I've dated, only one father tried to do the whole intimidation thing.  He wore a 1911 in a holster.  I asked him if I could see it.  So he hands it over, I field strip it, criticize his cleaning job, show him how to properly clean a 1911, the correct places to lube (and how much), and reassemble it.  From the look on his face, significantly faster than he could. 

I kinda felt bad afterwards, though.  He looked rather disappointed.  His wife on the other hand thought it was hysterical. 

"Rev, your picture is in my King James Bible, where Paul talks about "inventors of evil."  Yes, I know you'll take that as a compliment."  - Fistful, possibly highest compliment I've ever received.

Strings

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #4 on: May 24, 2009, 03:45:58 AM »
I had one girl's father try the intimidation thing with a field-stripped shotgun. Kinda ruined the effect when I had to help him put it back together... :D
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What was that about a pearl handled revolver and someone from New Orleans again?

Screw it: just autoclave the planet (thanks Birdman)

cassandra and sara's daddy

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #5 on: May 24, 2009, 08:44:28 AM »
my favorite is to give the young man a hug and when you do whisper in his ear "just remeber son, whatever you do to my daughter tonite i'm gonna do to you when you bring her home."  give him a wink and a pat on the ass and send them on their way
It is much more powerful to seek Truth for one's self.  Seeing and hearing that others seem to have found it can be a motivation.  With me, I was drawn because of much error and bad judgment on my part. Confronting one's own errors and bad judgment is a very life altering situation.  Confronting the errors and bad judgment of others is usually hypocrisy.


by someone older and wiser than I

Jamisjockey

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #6 on: May 24, 2009, 09:00:55 AM »
I'm not too worried about the intimidation thing.  Quiet confidence, and simple instructions to respect my daughter, and respect my rules (only take her where you say, have her back on time, etc).  A stiff handshake and solid, long eye contact will work. 
Where I grew up, the girls with the scariest dads were usually the fastest and loosest. 
The best I can do is to teach and mentor my daughter to be a young lady, respect herself, and hopefully wait until she's at least an adult and on her own before engaging in adult activities.
micro will be along to tell us how wrong we are for not being sex positive in regards to underage sexual activities.
JD

 The price of a lottery ticket seems to be the maximum most folks are willing to risk toward the dream of becoming a one-percenter. “Robert Hollis”

S. Williamson

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2009, 01:06:08 PM »
Funny.  Every time I'm over at her parents' house (which is rare because she has a place of her own) her dad offers me a beer, which I usually turn down because I'm the one driving.  This then becomes a long conversation about how I'm doing, world events, and so forth until Sue rolls her eyes and announces loudly that it's time to go.  =D
Quote
"The chances of finding out what's really going on are so remote, the only thing to do is hang the sense of it and keep yourself occupied. I'd far rather be happy than right any day."
"And are you?"
"No, that's where it all falls apart I'm afraid. Pity, it sounds like quite a nice lifestyle otherwise."
-Douglas Adams

seeker_two

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2009, 02:44:58 PM »
See if you can get a local college or medical school to sell you a few jars of pig testicles preserved in jars....  =D
Impressed yet befogged, they grasped at his vivid leading phrases, seeing only their surface meaning, and missing the deeper current of his thought.

El Tejon

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2009, 03:21:54 PM »
Is this like the "application to date my daughter"?

That's funny too.  Maybe you should leave it on the dining room table to fill out while you clean guns? =D
I do not smoke pot, wear Wookie suits, live in my mom's basement, collect unemployment checks or eat Cheetoes, therefore I am not a Ron Paul voter.

MicroBalrog

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2009, 06:50:26 PM »
Funny.  Every time I'm over at her parents' house (which is rare because she has a place of her own) her dad offers me a beer, which I usually turn down because I'm the one driving.  This then becomes a long conversation about how I'm doing, world events, and so forth until Sue rolls her eyes and announces loudly that it's time to go.  =D

This is also a tactic.
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digitalandanalog

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #11 on: May 24, 2009, 06:55:25 PM »
I am going to keep it very simple for all of the boys.

"She better come home in the same condition (other than getting rid of some hunger she had at whatever restaurant you are going to) you took her out in or you will pay for the damage."

Simple and to the point.

Same applies for my son too.

cassandra and sara's daddy

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2009, 06:58:49 PM »
the way girls today act reminds me of how i acted way back when.  that is NOT praise
It is much more powerful to seek Truth for one's self.  Seeing and hearing that others seem to have found it can be a motivation.  With me, I was drawn because of much error and bad judgment on my part. Confronting one's own errors and bad judgment is a very life altering situation.  Confronting the errors and bad judgment of others is usually hypocrisy.


by someone older and wiser than I

.Cheese.

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2009, 08:11:40 PM »
Quote
It's not 'The Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter' you're thinking of, is it?

It was a THR adapted version.

Gotta look through the links provided and see if somebody found it.

richedkid

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2009, 10:07:01 PM »
I thought that 10 dating my daughter rules are really good.... especially this one guys, "I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you." that should be the most common on some reasons...

S. Williamson

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #15 on: May 25, 2009, 04:45:10 AM »
This is also a tactic.
I suppose so. 

Today it was "hey, we just picked up a double oven--can you help me move it inside?" followed by moving a household appliance weighing two metric tons while trying to keep my P6 from falling out of its holster.  After that was about an hour of discussion over cokes with Sue's mom there, too, about quitting smoking and how they're all glad I've done so well so far (two weeks now, thanks to gum).  I then got invited to go on a combination BBQ/ boating/ fishing/ swimming trip up at the grandpa's place sometime this summer.

I think they don't mind me so much.  =) Even if they do, I'm in keeping with those ten rules to a decent degree (aside from the fact that Sue's 27) and Sue's made mention of how they've advised her "to hold onto him."  =D
Quote
"The chances of finding out what's really going on are so remote, the only thing to do is hang the sense of it and keep yourself occupied. I'd far rather be happy than right any day."
"And are you?"
"No, that's where it all falls apart I'm afraid. Pity, it sounds like quite a nice lifestyle otherwise."
-Douglas Adams

Jamisjockey

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #16 on: May 25, 2009, 07:33:32 AM »
You need a better holster....
 :laugh:

I guess I'm not to worried about my daughter.  I will be instilling in her values and self respect.  And as soon as she turns 4, she'll start Karate, too.  When she gets a little older, she'll learn to shoot and use edged weapons.
Her older brother is large for his age, learning Karate, and being taught to look out for his little sister.
JD

 The price of a lottery ticket seems to be the maximum most folks are willing to risk toward the dream of becoming a one-percenter. “Robert Hollis”

S. Williamson

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #17 on: May 25, 2009, 12:30:20 PM »
You need a better holster....
 :laugh:

I guess I'm not to worried about my daughter.  I will be instilling in her values and self respect.  And as soon as she turns 4, she'll start Karate, too.  When she gets a little older, she'll learn to shoot and use edged weapons.
Her older brother is large for his age, learning Karate, and being taught to look out for his little sister.

http://www.epsaddlery.com/pc-77-21-ez-carry-holster.aspx
^^^ Basically the best I could get for the money I have--open top, no retention.  :|

Karate is good, but Judo, Jiu Jitsu, and others that're more on-the-ground-fighting-dirty types might be helpful, too.
Quote
"The chances of finding out what's really going on are so remote, the only thing to do is hang the sense of it and keep yourself occupied. I'd far rather be happy than right any day."
"And are you?"
"No, that's where it all falls apart I'm afraid. Pity, it sounds like quite a nice lifestyle otherwise."
-Douglas Adams

Jamisjockey

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #18 on: May 25, 2009, 01:54:55 PM »
http://www.epsaddlery.com/pc-77-21-ez-carry-holster.aspx
^^^ Basically the best I could get for the money I have--open top, no retention.  :|

Karate is good, but Judo, Jiu Jitsu, and others that're more on-the-ground-fighting-dirty types might be helpful, too.

Those types of holsters are bad.  And that's way overpriced, sorry to say, I've found similar ones for $20 at gun shows.
The custom holster my P3AT is in cost about the same as that, and the off-the-shelf belt slide for my GP was, too.  Consider getting something made directly for your gun, and you'll find that even without retention its likely to not fall out.  Fits like a glove, as they say....



Jiu Jitsu....or maybe MCMEP...... :angel:.......In due time....they're only 3 and 5....


JD

 The price of a lottery ticket seems to be the maximum most folks are willing to risk toward the dream of becoming a one-percenter. “Robert Hollis”

Cromlech

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Azrael256

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #20 on: May 25, 2009, 08:12:39 PM »
Quote
Funny.  Every time I'm over at her parents' house (which is rare because she has a place of her own) her dad offers me a beer, which I usually turn down because I'm the one driving.  This then becomes a long conversation about how I'm doing, world events, and so forth until Sue rolls her eyes and announces loudly that it's time to go.

STOP THE THREAD!!!

You have a girlfriend?

Strings

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #21 on: May 25, 2009, 08:55:00 PM »
You have a point there, Az. Without proof, can't believe she's real...
No Child Should Live In Fear

What was that about a pearl handled revolver and someone from New Orleans again?

Screw it: just autoclave the planet (thanks Birdman)

seeker_two

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #22 on: May 25, 2009, 10:27:28 PM »
You have a point there, Az. Without proof, can't believe she's real...

....or that no air compressors are involved....
Impressed yet befogged, they grasped at his vivid leading phrases, seeing only their surface meaning, and missing the deeper current of his thought.

digitalandanalog

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #23 on: May 26, 2009, 03:41:05 AM »
That's not fair. Even a guy like me can get a reasonable, fairly attractive, logical woman of quality to like him.

Yes, it looks like I might actually wind up with a real girlfriend =D

If I can do it, so can he.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2009, 03:51:57 AM by digitalandanalog »

Strings

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Re: Taking daughter on date speech
« Reply #24 on: May 26, 2009, 04:20:11 AM »
again: without photographic or video proof, didn't happen...
No Child Should Live In Fear

What was that about a pearl handled revolver and someone from New Orleans again?

Screw it: just autoclave the planet (thanks Birdman)